Yikes a month and a half...

Since I've blogged. Things just seem to get worse and more hectic when I think it's going to get better. Owen has four teeth now and two coming in on the bottom. He's hitting me and head butting me now. When he gets mad he head butts me n then I smack his hand and he hits me back. WHAT IN THE WORLD!!! Why couldn't I have a nice baby boy? Ethan needs to get counseling. But he's been doing ok. My mom seems to think that he needs to be on meds for ADD. But in my opinion I don't like meds for kids. If it's natural and it works then I'll consider it. I have opted out of getting the boys vaccinated and my mom is freaking out about it. But I figure if something bad could happen then it probably will. Owen is scooting around but now crawling. He really likes standing up against stuff. I have been dealing with my brother being so depressed lately that he's suicidal and I had to take him to the hospital. But when he got there he down played how bad he is and they sent him home. So I'm REALLY annoyed and totally depressed myself because I want to get out of this house SO bad. I need a job to get a car to move to Phoenix but I don't want to get a job here if I'm going to move to Phoenix but I can't move there if I don't have a car and can't get a car if I don't have a job. LOL it sucks. So I've been kind of in bed most of the time because Owen is constantly sick and I haven't had sleep in a month and then I've been depressed. Until yesterday when it rained and I was in a great mood. But now it's hot again and I'm blah. I kind of fell off the wagon with eating right and not drinking soda. But I'm trying to get back to it. I was working out a lot too but I won't ask my mom to watch the boys unless they are asleep, since she makes comments about it when she does have to watch them. I was waiting for the 10th of June to come around so I can start dating this guy here, but when I got to the court house they said it wasn't June that it was July 10th so then I can officially start dating him. But he's going to move to Phoenix because he can't make it financially here so it would be a long distance relationship. I don't know how that's going to work. The boys adore him and he's loves them. He's been teaching Ethan basketball and got him a skateboard and is teaching him to skate. He's REALLY good at it and really hot. He's plays guitar really well and is going to take over his dad's company soon. He's got things going for him and it's great, but then there's me. I feel like a total failure. I'm going to try and give my mom and dad a lil less this next month and get my GED. And then start looking into doing the schooling. I'm sure I can get some aid if I research it enough. I need to figure things out soon though. Get out of this house and take care of me and the boys. It'll make me feel better about myself I know it. I miss all my friends and need to call them. I hope they forgive me for being a recluse. I'll try to blog again soon.

Why do they feel like this?!?!

Why in the world does my family (my brother and mom) feel like I need to be controlled? In fact my "boyfriend" got in an arguement with my brother and said that I feel like they are controlling me and my brother says "Well she needs that!" I was SO pissed off I just wanted to get outta there. My brother and I aren't really talking right now because he's being a total jerk about it. He gave me his opinion and when I didn't agree with it he got all mad and told me that everything I have been doing is wrong and that I am being all self righteous. UGH! Whatever! So Chris and I aren't going to see each other or talk on the phone until my divorce is final. Just because I'm SO tired of hearing from everyone that they don't agree with this whole thing. Once I'm divorced they won't have anything to complain about. I just want to move out that's the point I'm at right now but I know I can't. Well I just wanted to complain and I'm taking the computer to the computer guy tonight so I will finally get my comp all set up and then I can set up my video blog and ipod and stuff. Can't wait. I can have those keep my mind off of not talking to Chris. *sniff sniff* I hope all is well with my friends!

Ugh I'm in love!!!

My stupid heart won't take it easy. I keep asking him to come around even tho my head keeps saying "keep your distance, take your time". Oh well. I'm SO attracted to him it's not even funny. I'm not used to it tho cuz he's the same height as me. When I wear my heels I feel like I'm towering over him. But I'm sure I'll get over that :)
So the boys absolutely love him and he loves them. He gets them toys all the time and plays basketball and catch with Ethan. It's really nice that he loves them. I've been doing pretty good but my family is making things stressful and difficult. I think I'll be moving out if once the divorce is final and we start dating that they are still being boneheads. He's really understanding about everything and wants to take care of us. Every wrench I've thrown his way he just keeps telling me that it doesn't matter to him. I've told him ALL about my past and he says it doesn't make his feelings change at all. Now that's a man. Cuz I have some major issues. LOL Owen finally has teeth. He got one about a week ago and he's got another one coming right now. Poor thing can't breath out of his nose and he's really cranky. He's doing good on the food thing. He likes just about EVERYTHING I put in his mouth. Ethan on the other hand is still picky as ever. Owen loves broccoli and green beans. He's not too into sweets. Weirdo. He's still not crawling but I'm sure it's because he's being doted on all the time. He doesn't need to move around cuz Grandma just comes and gets him when he makes a peep.
I'm so stoked I filed the default papers and the divorce should be final soon. I can't wait. The lowlife wants Ethan to fly out there for a week in July and I don't know if I want him to. I don't want him near her. She doesn't deserve to be around that wonderful lil boy. I think I'll make him just fly out here again.
I just got new contacts and glasses. Soon I'm going to get my wisdom teeth pulled and then I'm going to start schooling. I just have a few more phone calls to make. You'd think I'd have it done but I haven't had much motivation lately. I have been REALLY depressed and just trying to make it another day but now that I have Chris I have been doing all the stuff that I've needed to. I just want to get it going and then I'll be ok.
I am planning on going camping soon so that'll be a nice break. I need to call all my old friends and see how they are doing. I need to get back into life.

Crap!

He's still having an affect on my life dang it!!! I just told the guy that's interested in me to back off because I don't even know if I want a relationship or not. This sucks! I don't know what to do. I was just blah about it and then I was talking to this woman here that we are becoming good friends and we were exchanging our past experiences and I told her all about my two ex husbands and I was all freaked out. After that I called him and told him I needed some space and time. If I figured out that I wanted a relationship I would let him know. Right now I'm not emotionally strong enough to handle one more man in my life. They are entirely TOO stressful to take care of. LOL I know it's sounding like an adoption or something but to me that's what it feels like now. He's amazing, and he's REALLY good to me and says that I'm his dream girl but I'm so jaded into thinking that the only time a man is going to say something nice or do something nice for me it's because he wants in my pants. I'm tired of that, thinking back on my two marriages I realized thats the only time they were nice to me. When they wanted something from me. Why can't they just love us the way they are s'posed to. GRRR! So I'm feeling REALLY bad and depressed today because he's all upset. He says he's trying to put himself in my shoes and thinks he understands why I'm doing this but he's still bummed. He did move really fast and I think that was one reason I was freaked too. I don't know we shall see. Oh and I found out that as soon as I get my papers from my attorney I can just go file for default and I get everything I want. YAY!!! He hasn't put enough effort into finding out how to go against what I asked for so he's just gonna have to give it to me. I asked for full custody and I'm so glad I will have it. I can't wait for this to be over. After I just want to get away from here. Camping or something. I got a tent and a blow up bad for us. I just have to get some sleeping bags and a lantern and some other essentials. I can't wait. I haven't been in SO long. Well I gotta go. Hopefully I can just get thru another day. I miss my Yasmina and Tana. Wish I could have you near me!

Here's the skinny...

I'm hopefully going to be divorced soon because the guy that's interested in me really wants it to go thru. (I know, I know I swear I'm a glutton for punishment) He is amazing with the boys tho and says that he wants to be close to them like they were his own, even if things don't work out between us he wants to be close to them. But I'm still a lil iffy about it. I got a really cool video camera that I'm going to set up to my computer to do video blogs. So soon you will be seeing my mug on your comp. I'll blog again soon. Gotta go. Miss you both lol the only two that read this!

Well well well

Looky here I'm FINALLY blogging again. It's been quite a while and I've been in major need of venting anyways. :) So I've been to Cali and New Mexico in one month. I was in Cali for two weeks and it wasn't exactly my favorite vacation ever. It was mostly stressful and annoying but I guess that's what I get. Then I was back home for about a week and went to NM for 5 days. It was nice since I got to see my cousin. We are SO much alike in our parenting and just other things we like and dislike and we haven't even been around each other in a long time. We got to go to a spa together and got an aromatherapy wrap. It was heavenly. Owen is getting worse with the whole clingy thing. He won't even let me walk out the room for a second without screaming his head off. That's getting very stressful. I just had to see Butthole this last weekend. He came so he could look good for the judge. Then he complained about the fact that he had to pay 400 bucks for a plane ticket to come out. What an idiot. I felt SO bad for Ethan, he was so upset, once again, that his father was leaving again. I just want to slap him or hit him SO hard that it knocks something around in there. But it would only bring me some relief it wouldn't make him smarter. Nothing would work for him. So I'm just hoping that the divorce goes through soon so I can get on with things. I just have to talk to him about the papers and what I want and see if we can just sign a consent decree. I doubt he'll be that cooperative but here's hoping. I need to call all my friends I haven't talked to in a while. I miss all my friends, I don't have any here. I try to get out with others here that have kids my age but they are all snobs. And if they aren't snobs they hang out with the people that I don't get along with cuz they are snobs :) Oh well. I have my Mina and Tana :) I should be getting my comp together soon and got a Wii not to long ago and it's fun. It's set up in my brothers room tho and it's kinda annoying cuz I go to go play it and he's either playing it or sleeping. DOH! Well I'm going to take a bath and relax. I hope all my friends are doing good and hope that the dillhole is doing crappy! :)

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

A lil gross...

So I haven't blogged in a while but it seems like I don't have any time anymore. Right now I should be cleaning the kitchen and packing for my trip but right now I'm blogging and nursing lol. At least I'm getting two things done at once. :) So my bonehead brother that I had a lil problems with moved off the property but left his two cats and two turtles and wanted to bring his dog over but my mom put a stop to that. They are both boy cats and have peed on EVERYTHING in the garage because he kept letting them in. They peed on my luggage and I had to throw them away. So I have to wait to get paid and then I can go to PHX to buy new REALLY cute luggage, but I have to pack all my stuff in plastic bags and then take them with me cuz I have to leave the next day. Ok so on with my pet story. They left two turtles outside by the front door and put a heat lamp and some straw there. It got too cold and one of the turtes left the lamp and basically died. It was RIGHT next to the front door. I left it there since my brother comes by every day to pick up my dad for work and he NEVER did anything to bury it or get rid of it. So here comes the gross part. It started getting warm here, and it looked like someone had stretched out it's head and legs. I think that's the effect from the heat. Either way my son was asking about it. I think it's rediculous that he couldn't even take responsibility for it and do something. So I finally went out and dug a hole and buried it. It was gross I wanted to vomit.
Ok onto other things. I am soon to get my tax return back. I can't wait to spend it lol. I asked Butthead to pack 2 boxes, that's all just 2 boxes of my stuff and he could give them to my friend that travels there all the time and then it would be cheaper for him to just do that. He made up some lame story that he didn't have time to go to storage and pack stuff so I didn't get my stuff. He says he's going to use his tax return to get a pod and send all my stuff. What an idiot. He could have saved some money. But if he does that the company he'll use doesn't travel to my town it only goes to PHX so I have to find a truck and go get all of it. Such a butthead. Anyways, I told him right out that if he wants to talk to me he can call E's phone since he insisted on getting a four year old a cell phone, and that I wasn't going to waste my minutes on him. I'm pretty sure that pissed him off. But oh well. My friend went to Oregon and ate at the claim jumper "she" works at and saw her. (My friend has to take customers where they want to go to do business) and said she looked REALLY unhappy. YAY! I know its terrible but honestly I slept better after she told me. :) I'm not that bad of a person.
So I'm leaving this Friday for PHX and then Saturday morning for Cali. I can't wait, to see my brother and sis in law they are SO sweet. And I'm excited to see my in laws, but kind of apprehensive since we haven't seen each other since the split and I don't know what they'll want to talk about. But I'm good now so it'll be ok.
I'm so proud of myself. I got some Tilapia and got a recipe off the internet and then made it and it was really good. I'm not much of a fish person but I liked it a lot. I wanted to start eating more fish since it's better for you and so I tried it. It's good :)
I am also going au naturel! I'm a regular to the EWG.org website and they have this section called skin deep. They try a bunch of products, deoderant, makeup, lotion etc. the ingredients and even the secret ingredients that they don't put on the product. Anyways, they test it all and then rate the ingredients on a one to ten scale, ten being the most hazardous. So I'm going with the stuff that is the least hazardous since mom pretty much has skin cancer. It's gonna be quite a change but it's better for me and the boys. I'm gonna try to get everyone to check out the stuff they use on their bodies and make sure they aren't really bad for them. Hope you all are doing well.

So I want to pull my hair out...

So I just got word from the butthole that he got Ethan a cell phone! A firefly, one of those phones that can only call a few numbers. Well he got it and then decided to go with AT&T instead of Sprint since sprint doesn't do the firefly, he could of returned the firefly and gotten something else thru sprint but I think he did it this way so that he doesn't have to pay for my phone anymore. So I won't have a phone in two weeks. Actually he's going to start paying now since the child support is court ordered and I'll get my own phone. He's been trying to get Ethan to come out to Oregon like crazy lately, it's pathetic since he's trying everything he can to not pay child support. I told him he needs to quit putting things in his head, because Ethan doesn't understand that he won't be there for him ever! I told him that Ethan wants to see HIM not the stranger that he'd be dumping him off with. I'm so mad. I wish this was just over soon. I just want to get the divorce over with and get on with my life. I just spoke with another one of my friends and she left her husband. What is wrong with these men?!?! What happened to love? What happened to marriage? and kindness? Why does he feel the need to be rude to me when we are on the phone when he's the reason why we are in this situation? Why can't he just let things go, and let me have my way right now, I'm not going to do anything that'll have a bad end for him. I don't want the boys to think that I'm mean, and I'm not! I've done things that no normal person would, in fact people keep asking me if I'm still in love with him. I'm by far in love, I just don't want to fight anymore. I'm sick of Ethan being around yelling and fighting all the time. I don't feel like a very good parent. I'm feeling like a failure but I won't give up on them, they are my life and they need me to hang in there. So I will.

I'm heartbroken

So I'm almost more sad now than I was when my marriage broke up. Ethan wants and will more than likely go stay with Brandon for a while. :'( I wish he would realize that it's fun with his dad only because he comes out here once every two months and buys toys, ice cream, clothes and anything else he wants. It's not gonna be fun with him. He's going to be at work ALL the time and Ethan is going to be with a complete stranger. It's killing me! The A**hole is going to fly back out here in March for the next court hearing. WHY? He got a lawyer which I'm sure either his dad or his girlfriend paid for and asked for a freakin' paternity test. I'm sorry, who's the one that cheated? I just think it's ridiculous that he would do that just to postpone paying child support. I know that he said all kinds of things to Ethan to make him want to come out there. Ethan hasn't ever acted like this before and I know it's just because he doesn't want to pay that much in child support. If he has one of the boys then he doesn't have to pay. So now I'm worried about getting sole custody because he won't have that now that he has his dad and an attorney telling him crap. This sucks, I just want SO badly to tell Ethan that his dad is a scum and that he won't be happy there. But I'm not that type of person. He can be petty if he wants. I may lose my son for a while but I'll pray that he comes around and learns the truth about him. Pray for me too.