I'm heartbroken

So I'm almost more sad now than I was when my marriage broke up. Ethan wants and will more than likely go stay with Brandon for a while. :'( I wish he would realize that it's fun with his dad only because he comes out here once every two months and buys toys, ice cream, clothes and anything else he wants. It's not gonna be fun with him. He's going to be at work ALL the time and Ethan is going to be with a complete stranger. It's killing me! The A**hole is going to fly back out here in March for the next court hearing. WHY? He got a lawyer which I'm sure either his dad or his girlfriend paid for and asked for a freakin' paternity test. I'm sorry, who's the one that cheated? I just think it's ridiculous that he would do that just to postpone paying child support. I know that he said all kinds of things to Ethan to make him want to come out there. Ethan hasn't ever acted like this before and I know it's just because he doesn't want to pay that much in child support. If he has one of the boys then he doesn't have to pay. So now I'm worried about getting sole custody because he won't have that now that he has his dad and an attorney telling him crap. This sucks, I just want SO badly to tell Ethan that his dad is a scum and that he won't be happy there. But I'm not that type of person. He can be petty if he wants. I may lose my son for a while but I'll pray that he comes around and learns the truth about him. Pray for me too.

You've been tagged!...

1) Link to the person who tagged you.
2) Post the rules on your blog.
3) Share six non-important things/habits/quirks about yourself.
4) Tag at least three people at the end of your post and link to their blogs.
5) Let each person know they have been tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.
6) Let the fun begin!


1. I wish I was more open minded.
2. Even tho I joke about being JUST like my mother, I hate it with a passion.
3. I'm really scared to be on my own with two boys.
4. I now have TWO freckles on my lower lip :)
5. One of my worst fears is that Ethan will go to live with his father. And he'll stay
6. I make fists and dig my fingernail in the middle of my palm when I'm nervous :) Weird I know.


I tagged http://yasminagreen.blogspot.com because she's amazing and I love reading about her.
Also http://intrinsicm.blogspot.com because I made her get a blogger account cuz we don't usually get to talk, and she doesn't post enough :), and don't have any others to tag. I'm new to blogger and don't get around on here much. But I forsee that changing in the near future.

I hate being this way...

So I went to see a movie last night with my brother and I realized that since this whole ordeal with my second husband cheating on me that I'm SO cynical about anything to do with love. As much as I love movies and chick flicks I find myself thinking "that's not gonna last" or when I see a couple I think "just wait honey, he's gonna find something else later just when you think things are going great." Then after that great movie I started crying again. Thinking what is wrong with me that I can't keep a man? Why was I so completely blind that I let it get to the point that he was cheating on me? And since this happened why couldn't it be like others situations where he just doesn't come around? I don't want to see him, it makes me physically sick to see him and VERY angry to think of him. I know I'll feel better tho when I find out how much he HAS to pay for the boys every month for the rest of their lives lol. That does make me feel better :)

ugh!

So it's two more days until I see the a**hole again. He's flying out for the child support hearing. I kept trying to tell him he didn't have to come out. That he could just call but he's coming anyway. UGH! I'm not in the mood. His visits (the few he has made) stress me out and totally screw Ethan up. It takes him quite a while to not be emotional about his father leaving again and asking me AGAIN why we aren't in Oregon with him. So I'm just trying to prepare myself for his visit. I'm gonna see if I can get in and get my haircut. I want to look as good as possible to make him regret his decision. To think he has to go back to the ugly woman in Oregon. :) I've already lost my baby weight. Plus I can't wait to get money from him every month and he has NO choice. He's one of the most selfish people I've ever met. And I know he won't move jobs because his work was ALWAYS more important than me or even Ethan. I have a killer shirt to wear and am going to get my nails done tomorrow. I'll be prepared. He was trying to tell me what he was doing to see if I would offer to pick him up or get him to Prescott but I wouldn't say anything. Last time I chauffeured him around (for Ethan) and he never said thank you. Al tho I didn't mind because I made him go shopping and buy stuff for the boys. On another note, I'm going to Cali to stay with AH's mom and step dad, for two weeks. It'll be nice. I'll be leaving the 23rd of February. my mom is all bummed. She made a comment about me being gone for so long and I said "You can't monopolize my kids all the time mom!" I felt bad for a second and got over it. She already made me feel bad about moving out. Which is why I'm still living here. Even tho I would have WAY more room somewhere else. Oh well I'll deal. She is a great help with Owen so it kinda evens out. So that's my issues right now. Oh and I'm not doing sign language. Everyone else deflated me. I'll still try and learn on my own. I'll blog again in a few after the hearing. Ciao!

Finally!

So I have finally gotten my paperwork done and filed. Yesterday I went to Legal services that's helping me with the divorce and filled out the paperwork and finally filed what I needed to at the court. I'm just waiting for butthead to fax me some tax papers, but hopefully he'll send them today since he's got the day off. Ethan hasn't wanted to talk to Brandon at all lately. It secretly (well not secretly anymore, haha) makes me happy that he doesn't want to talk to him. I feel bad but then I think of what he's done so I don't anymore. I was going to get a massage today but I don't have the money, I ran out right at the last minute. I hate when that happens :) Besides the fact that Owen and I are sick I'm in a pretty good mood. I've been taking silver for the last couple of days and hopefully that'll kill off the stuff we are getting. Well I'm going to take a shower with my lil one to see if we can relax a lil. We are just going to relax and do some laundry today. Nothing fun.

So this is what's going on...

So I just started a sign language class. It's really cool because it's what I've ALWAYS wanted to do my whole life. Now I can interpret and I can use it with my kids now too. I go to my second class tonight. And then soon I'll be starting my medical claims and billing schooling. I have to wait until the court date for child support at the end of this month so that I'll have a set amount coming in other than that I can't pay monthly for it. He just got the papers for the court date last week and he didn't sound very happy about it. It's funny. I'm glad, I can't wait for them to start taking it out of his checks so that he can't just send me whatever he wants. The jerk moved to a smaller apartment and refinanced both his cars so that he would have more a month and still sends me a tiny bit and expects me to live off that. So I've been extremely stressed out lately since my brother and his wife and their kids are living here too. They have a lil girl that is well, how can I put this nicely? A hellion! Ethan is having a hard time since he's lost his dad and then gotten a sibling and lost most of his attention from me and coming from a quiet life in Oregon to here with a million people. He's trying and I'm trying to deal with it. I've resolved to not yell at him, I was getting really bad there for a while but I can see already that when I stop yelling at him and talk to him about things he acts better toward me. He loves his lil brother SO much too. and Owen just lights up when he comes and talks to him. Owen is having a hard time with the teething right now. But he does better when I sit and rub his gums. He's getting such a cute personality too. He and Ethan are sitting watching Monsters Inc. right now. Ethan knows his alphabet now but he just needs to work on visually recognizing them. I find it's easier for him to learn when I use names for letters then actual words. Like he knows that O is for Owen and E is for Ethan. He knows what his name looks like written down too. I was going to move out the other day after my two brothers got in another fight but I can't. unfortunately I won't be able to for a while. I just am feeling REALLY cramped. My brother and his wife are acting really immature about things. They act like we all owe them something and they are the ones with more than all of us combined. My brother that has been living here (Dean) has been taking care of my mom and dad for years, he's been paying their rent and helping them out even before his wife died. She died a year ago January 3rd of cancer. So he moved in to help them. He then in the last few months has had to file for bankruptcy because the medical bills were just too much for him. So he turned over his company to my other brother to help him out since he didn't have any job or income. Now my brother won't give Dean any money that he's owed. Dean even gave him all his tools and jobs. They haven't even given my mom and dad any money since they've been here, using the water, electricity and all. It's just making me mad and I have been giving my mom and dad everything I can. It's frustrating because my parents won't ask for any money even tho my brother and his wife have gone out and bought two iPods, started a membership at a gym with a daycare in it, gone shopping and bought new workout clothes and a ton of toys and clothes for the kids. It's like they are flaunting their money in front of us all and we are starving. I begged for money enough from the "sperm donor" in November and he gave me too much according to the state so they cut me off from cash assistance and cut down my food stamps. So I can't even help out my parents as much as I was. I was buying the food for the house. My brother and his wife are getting food stamps too, almost three times what I get. GRRR!!! Sorry I guess I just needed to vent. I am irritated that I was so close to my sister in law and now she's acting like a bratty lil girl that doesn't get her way right now. I'm sick of losing people in my life. I'm sick of having friends or husbands, you know...people you are supposed to trust with your life, and them turning out to be a waste of time. I'm in such a need of someone to talk to it's not even funny. But oh well. I keep thinking that if I just keep myself busy with school and the boys that I'll get through this with what's left of my sanity.